Everything keeps changing...

It seems like everytime I have my life in order, it changes.  I've become almost so comfortable with the change that I've actually started to expect it.  Those who know me best, know I hate change.  I had the same bedroom in the same house for 18 years, I had a nightly ritual of crawling into the bed with my mom at 2 AM for a majority of those years, and I have always had "my spot." My spot on the couch, my spot on the floor (leaning against our childhood piano stool), my spot at the kitchen table, and my spot in the bed-- leg flung over the edge to keep my feet from getting too hot. And when I go home - those places are still where I plant myself - except - now their is no piano, and if I did manage to get down to the ground - I wouldn't be able to get back up.

But for the past six years my spot has changed atleast every year, if not twice a year or more.  I'm beginning to think I don't actually have a spot anymore.  I've changed my "home" no less than 6 times, I stay in my bed all the way through the night now (it only took 20 years Mom...) but it's not the bed I was so used to, not the same smells, not always the same side, and I rarely eat at a kitchen table anymore. 

Over the past five years I've traveled to places I never thought I would see, I graduated college, I have landed a lifelong career, I met a man who I love more than I thought possible, and he is now my husband, and now... and now I'm pregnant with our first child, a daughter, who will no doubt, be just like me, as I was just like my mom.  A little Rhonda, now having a little Kelly. I'm 18 weeks away from my life taking it's greatest change of all. I get to be a mommy, and my dear frightened husband, well he's going to be daddy. 

I say "frightened" like I'm not.  Truth is, I'm scared to death. But not of sleepless nights and the "what does she want?" moments. I'm scared of when she enters into the dreadful teen years, when I do nothing right and she knows it all. When daddy is her idol and MOM (as she'll yell it with attitude) is just someone getting in the way of "living her life."  I know that age. I was that age. And I am still reminded of things today that I said or did when I was 12 years old that just couldn't be. I would have never said that, would I? 

The easiest moments of my daughter and I's relationship are right now and I'm trying not to rush them or waste the time away until she is born. She goes everywhere with me right now and I love that.  The highlight of my day is coming home from a long day at work and sitting on the bed, just her daddy and I, watching my belly pop up from her little kicks and punches.  And while I've gotten used to the constant movement, Matts face still lights up when he sees or feels her, and it brings me back to the first time I felt her and how amazing, and slightly scary it was. It's a very real moment.

If all changes would give me the rush that this little soul has given me the last 5 months, I think I would welcome change alot more openly. I still see many rough changes and upsets ahead, it's inevitable, but -- if all the changes I've experienced this far led me to where I am right now... sitting in the home we've settled in for now, my husband in the other room playing the guitar, our two dogs chasing each other around the couch, a closet full of tiny pink and purple outfits, and me, wearing blue jeans that haven't been zipped all the way  for 2 months and a pre-pregnancy tank top that has now worked its way up to reveal an obviously lopsided baby belly... then I can honestly say I would not have my life thus far go any diffrently that it has.  All the change is worth it. And it will be in the future. Right now is where I'm meant to be.  It's my spot... my perfect little family.

So with this change, I've changed our blog. Matt doesn't contribute to the blog anyways - so this is more for me to remember everything that is happening now.  I don't want to forget a minute of it. I'm digging out my camera - it's been hiding for a few months.  I'm promising myself to slow down and take more photos.  It's the one thing I can do for my little girl.  I want her to know how much she was adored and loved at this moment. And oh is she!

I love every kick, every punch, every wiggle. I love the fuzzy ultrasound images we walk away from the OBs office with glowing as we show them off. I love her little nose and lips that I am so looking forward to kissing and nuzzling this summer. I love the way she wakes me up in the middle of the night by rolling around inside of me - almost like she wants me to get up and play. I love that she responds to me rubbing the spot I know a little body part is leaning against by nudging even harder into me - as if she already enjoys her mommy's touch.
I understand now exactly what my mom told me as a little girl, that one day there would be someone I would love more than anyone, more than life itself. I understand it now. 

I love her, our little lady. Our most wonderful surprise and most anticipated change in life.

Our Evelyn.